Theories About Players
by Sire Teige
Players will enjoy causing emotional distress
There will be a subset of players who find the
pain they cause to be the ultimate reward. They
will risk gold, levels, and even their account
to cause grief. Never underestimate people's
lack of conscience.
I bet that leaks water well.
Players will hack the client
Assume the client is open source. No amount of
obfuscation, encryption, or updates will protect
it. Third party programs will be written to
look at every internal variable, send illegitimate
data packets, and offer any possible advantage.
Players will exploit every option
If mages are weaker short term and better in the
long term, players will vouch for the long term.
They will mindlessly fish for hours if it has
a better pay-off than more fun pursuits. They
will buy multiple accounts and macro gold. They
will check every hole and crack like water in a
Players will hate the game
Yet they will play it endlessly, often more than
those who claim to like it. They will like the
designers even less, considering them the Spawn
of Satan. People who volunteer their time to help
the community will thus be considered in league with
the Devil, and treated accordingly.
Players will not do (or want) what is in their
Believing players to have common sense, intelligence,
or other such virtue is dangerous. Even assuming
players understand the phrase "this is a game"
is a gross overestimation of their mental skills.
No appeals to common sense should be expected to
yield much fruit, as players manifest a Lemmings
mentality that is nearly unrivaled.
Players expect updates in direct proportion to the
The more updates that are generated, the more players
want more of the same. The world can never have
enough options, land mass, spidergoats, super powers,
or challenges. As a corollary, the less their
expectations are met, the more hateful they become.
Players will dislike every new change
Players always want things to remain as they were.
Such activities (nerfing) destroy the "old school,"
caters to newbie players (carebears), and makes the
game less fun. Players will know the Developers are
"selling out," and will respond. Despite the
continued degradation of the game, the user base
will increase. Do not be deceived by these figures.
Players will always demand justice, and organize
themselves to get it
They will be certain to point out the crimes of the
Developers, other players, the publishing company,
fan sites, internet lag, and so forth. They have a
strong sense of fairness, and will in every avenue
demand that it be enforced. They require freedom
of speech (in the fullest interpretation) and action,
and demand that the game world be democratic.
Afterall, every player wants their voice to be heard,
and to be considered valid. Thus can they fight for
Players will claim they own pieces of the game
No EULA will convince them otherwise. Despite that
the world they claim a piece of is simply magnetic
spots on a metallic disk hundreds of miles away,
and is owned by someone else who never gave anyone
permission to own those magnetic marks.
Any good scientific theory creates predictions. Hence
what follows are a set of predictions which are derived
from the above theories:
-Players will refuse to be helpful. Being helpful implies
working with the Spawns of Satan. In addition, that
would require them working in their best interests.
Hence, being helpful is avoided at all cost.
-Players will not use, often on purpose, correct English.
Those who can will refuse to, the rest (and the majority)
simply lack the skill. This relates to laws 1, 4, 5.
The confusion they create is a vent for their hatred.
This may explain players' fascination with the phrases
"All your base are belong to us," and "for great
-Players will hack other players. Relating to 2 and 3,
they will offer cheats that hurt other players. Such
things, being illegal, are also against their own best
interests and is possibly the worst method of increasing
their online property.
-The more detrimental a game is to a player's real
life, the more successful the game is. Hence the
term Evercrack, a term used by players who are
overly successful in developing their online property.
-Players enjoy assaulting evil. This is evident by the
fact that they pay money so that something they hate can
grow. Updates are released, more players hate it, and
more players arrive to cause justice. They polarize
themselves against the game. The more polarized they
are against the game, the quicker the game itself grows,
and hence the quicker the evil grows. Evil, being by
definition against a player's best interest, is thus
spawned by the players.
-Players will be vocal. Since they hate the game, and
they want justice against that hatred (which is well
placed), they will cause the game as much grief as
possible. The easiest way is by yelling all manner
of phrases (which are unintelligent, due to the above
law). Such activities are of course not in their
-Players are sadists. Despite being evil, players will
demand more updates to the game, which assists its
-Players will abuse bugs. Doing so hurts other players,
often results in the loss of their account, and causes
more frequent game updates. Players will of course
dislike these changes, since it prevents their own
self destruction (via banned accounts).
-Players will hate any game that shuts down. Such an
act is defined as any company that universally and
permanently steals every player's online property.
Oddly enough, the theories also predict that such an
act would be in the player's best interest.
-There should be an anti-player, that is, someone who is
similar to a player yet exhibits opposite properties.
This is similar to matter and antimatter in physics.
These anti-players, also called people, would be
intelligent, pursue their best interests, have a
productive real life, and be only moderately active in
the game, help the community, and associate with
the Devil. Despite this prediction they would be
hard to be proven to exist, since they are by
definition be less vocal and are not overly active
within the game ("real life" requirements limit their
time in the game). It is also unclear as to whether
they do not demand justice (are lax or uncaring), or
whether their definition of justice is different. Many
consider the discovery of people within a game to be
strong evidence that this collective theory (all the
above rules) to be correct. Many eager souls await
Undoubtedly, there are more predictions that can be
made. The world of players is still under study, and
theories are being revised to create more accurate
predictions. This is truly an exciting time for those
June 2001 Imaginary Realities, the magazine of your mind.
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